I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
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