By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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