It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
