Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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