but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I didn't notice because vodka
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
