Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Randomize
