We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
