My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
