I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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