Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize
