He told me they were just razor bumps!
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
