remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
