I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
