He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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