So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
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