i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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