We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
