I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Randomize
