someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
