I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
