And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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