So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
