My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Randomize
