would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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