did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
