Who wears a wallet chain?!
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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