oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
