dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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