i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
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