I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
