No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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