im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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