Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
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