He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Semen is not good for contacts.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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