Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
