I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
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