i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
