I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
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