Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
