Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
