There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Randomize
