even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
