so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
