she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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