i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
