I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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