don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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