Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
