Your mouth is God's brothel.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
