Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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