Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
