I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
